Five rudest songs of all time

The annals of music history are bursting with songs that have offended the milder ears down the years. Notable tunes which caused controversy and moral panic, include 1980s hit Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Since I Had You by Marvin Gaye and Donna Summers’ classic marathon Love to Love You Baby.

However, mild references to ejaculation and the sounds of a sexual climax, are nothing compared to lengths the artists have gone too on these filthy efforts.

Akinyele – Put in your mouth

As the unsubtle title of this number suggests, this song is an essay on oral sex. No subtlety required here, as the outro reveals.

Filthiest bit

You wanna go down why not

I be like Herbie and han you a cock

R Kelly – 12 Play

RnB fans will be well versed on the sexual tendencies of Chicago freak R Kelly. At one point in 12 Play, a tune from the 1993 album by the same name, he lists a multi-point sexual action plan he is hoping to deliver on an unsuspecting lady – like a really dity political manifesto.

Filthiest bit

Spread your legs apart

Feel me, I’m so hard

Big Pun – I’m not a Player

Big Pun, perhaps one of the dirtiest rappers of all time, earns his place in the forum of filth by dropping the C-bomb in the second verse (the entire verse is jaw-droppingly obscene) of this 1998 O’Jays-sampling smash.

Filthiest bit

Excuse me for being blunt

But I been eating c***s, since pimps is pushing

Pink Caddies with the fish tank pumps

Ying Yang Twins – Wait (Whisper Song)

It’s no wonder the Ying Yang Twins whisper all the lyrics to their 2005 song Wait, it is so obscene, and sexually threatening, that rapping out loud would have made them blush.

Filthiest bit

Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick

Imma beat dat p***y up

My Dick

The now deceased Puerto Rican rap star was so much in love with his appendage he penned an ode to his manhood in 2000. So moving it is almost like Shakespeare.

Filthiest Bit

Now you gon’ get what you deserve

That’s my dick in your mouth


United lay down title gauntlet

Manchester United’s destruction of rivals Manchester City may have set the tone for the coming Premier League season. City, who have been tipped by many to win the title, were forced to surrender in the Community Shield on Sunday despite a two goal lead.

While the result underlined the fact that Utd are the team to beat this season it also highlighted their rosy future ahead with youngsters Tom Cleverley and Danny Welbeck both impressing.

With City still to intent on playing defensively – in spite of their embarrassment of attacking riches – and Chelsea very much a work in progress with Andres Villas-Boas trying to trim the years away from an ageing squad, the Red Devils look the team to beat once again this season.

Arsenal transfers frustrate fans

In the summer break Arsenal have made three signings; two of them attacking – Gervinho and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain – with the only defensive addition 19-year-old Carl Jenkinson from Charlton.

Obviously, the new faces are not what the Emirates faithful had hoped for. With Arsenal still yet to end their trophy drought serious pressure will be on Arsene Wenger for the first time.

The Gunners are not short of creative midfielders, with Japanese starlet Ryo Miyaichi also gaining a work permit after being on loan at Dutch club Feyenoord last season, so the inability of Wenger to bring in new defensive recruits is even more baffling.

If Arsenal fail to sign two from Phil Jagielka, Gary Cahill and Christopher Samba and still do not improve on their ability at set pieces serious questions will be asked by the fans.

Newcastle sell off the family silver

While Arsenal’s transfer policy is confusing Newcastle United’s seems to be kamikaze. Kevin Nolan has been allowed to leave the club for West Ham, while Joey Barton, arguably the Magpies best player last term (apart from Cheick Tiote) and Jose Enrique could be heading for the exit.

Many of the players that have been bought in such as Yohan Cabeye and Sylvain Marveaux are unproven in the Premier League and their early form will be watched eagerly by the St James’ Park faithful.

However, fans will not be enthused by the arrival of Man Utd misfit Gabriel Obertan. Expect another difficult season on Tyneside.

Five films that should never have been made

Poetic Justice

John Singleton must have been sitting at his desk in 1992 wondering how to follow up his Oscar nominated Boyz’ n the Hood. He needn’t have bothered. Janet Jackson, who plays Justice, is a street poet from the ghetto who “discovers herself”. Some soundtracks are better than their movies but rarely by such wide a margin.

PS I Love You

The burgeoning prince of rom coms Gerard Butler plays a young lover who dies “suddenly” of a brain tumour but has the foresight to leave his wife, Hilary Swank, a series of creepy sugary hallmark messages from beyond the grave. As terrible as it sounds.

Thirteen Ghosts

Some rappers; Tupac, Method Man, Mos Def, make plausible actors. But whoever cast Rah Digga in this movie needs shooting. Digga, real name Rashia Fisher, plays the stereotype of a sterotype of a feisty African American woman, who snaps her fingers at all manner of ghouls. Oh know she didn’t!

Synecdoche, New York

Never has a film promised so much and delivered so little. The premise, a theatre director who decides to make a play about his life, is a good one. But it doesn’t take long for the pretentious movie to disappear up its on arse. It only began to make sense after it finished and I was able to look on Google. Probably got five stars in Empire.

Friday after Next

Friday = good. Next Friday = pants. Friday after next = diabolical. One joke was never going to last for three movies. Most people probably don’t even know Friday is a trilogy.