My issues with Bizspeak


Anyone who has read George Orwell’s 1984 will be familiar with newspeak.

In a bid to crush free thinking and creativity the IngSoc party – the government of the dystopian Orwellian future – erase words from the English language to create a stunted charmless functional new lexicon.

Those who are yet to read the novel but have spent anytime working in an office, will still be familiar with Bizspeak.

To sound intelligent businessmen and women invent, twist or change the meaning of existing words to create a corporate langauge of jargon filled unintelligible bollocks which makes normal people curl thier toes in pure cringeworthiness.

The Bizspeak top 5

Synergy

Meaning two forces working together. Used as team name in The Apprentice every season. The word is not actually new, it’s Ancient Greek, but has been seized by corporates. Usually used just after a merger and right again before most of the new people – who fail to synergise – get the boot.

Value-add

Apparently when providing a service, it is not only the service itself which is important. It is also the value added by said service. Used by companies who are too crap to provide the service promised in the first place.

Touchbase

Apparently “lets touchbase” is Bizspeak for “let’s have a meeting”. Often said using microphone headsets, grinning stupidly and leaning back in an wheeled office chair. Also has to be said loud enough for the rest of the office to hear. Why touchbase without anyone else knowing?

Moving forward

This one is a staple of salesfolk. Quite why you cannot simply say ‘the future’ when you are selling toner remains a mystery.

Skill-set

A skill-set is always discussed when a new person joins a firm and simply means skills, or in most cases, the number of lies told on a CV. “His/her skill set is in synergy with what we need at this company, after we touched base last week we had to offer them the job due to their value add”.

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Now Roo has to win back the fans

Days of speculation over the future of Wayne Rooney have finally come to an end. But the outcome was one that few would have predicted.

Many journalists, who are likely to feel rather silly now, had tipped the United forward for a sensational cross-Manchester move to arch rivals City.

Although Sir Alex Ferguson may be relieved that his main striker has decided to stay at Old Trafford the fans are unlikely to feel the same – at least at first.

Football fans, by their very nature, are notoriously fickle and the feedback on the messageboards, twitter feeds and blogs over the past week have been telling.

As soon as Rooney seemed destined to depart he became a greedy, overrated, overweight scouser, which is a far cry from the player United fans had put on the same pedestal as Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

Moreover, many fans will be disgusted by the way in which the striker seemingly held the club to increase his already astronomical salary onto another stratosphere.

As long as Rooney’s terrible form continues there will be a question mark over both his true ability and his commitment to the club.

However, his real status on the red side of Manchester will only become clear when his form picks up again – then we will see how United fans really feel about their talisman.

On second thoughts: Other famous transfer u-turns

Sol Campbell

Big Sol, former Notts County, Spurs and Arsenal defender famously irked the Gunners faithful by letting his contract run down to play football abroad. Campbell only made it as far as the South Coast and ended up at Portsmouth.

David Unsworth

Defender Unsworth was labelled the “biggest clot in football” by then Aston Villa manager John Gregory after deciding we wanted to join Everton just days after signing for the Villains.

Robbie Keane

The Irish forward, who never seems to settle at any club joined Liverpool in July 2008 from Spurs for a fee of almost £20m. By January has back on the bench at White Hart Lane.